It’s becoming increasingly common to hear people openly state that starting a family isn’t part of their plans—at least not in the traditional sense. Let alone having children… “The way things are…”

And it seems difficult to determine whether this is a definitive stance or something that could eventually change; what is certain is that we are facing a very rational decision, one that arises from factors that not long ago were not even taken into account… and the fact is that since our society has existed as we know it, starting a family, having a partner, and raising children was not something to be questioned, but rather a stage of life. Today, however, it is something that must be carefully considered and analyzed.

It is interesting that, upon analyzing the information and examining the data, this no longer appears as a sporadic phenomenon, but rather as a generational trend. Below, we will review some of these factors.

Stability.

We say that something is stable because it has the ability to maintain its balance, structure, or place over a period of time.

During the 20th century, it was common to refer to the intention of starting a family, getting married, and having children as “settling down,” which can be interpreted as leaving behind a preparatory—and rather chaotic—phase to make way for a more stable future. Today, it seems to be the exact opposite.

In the context in which we live, it seems that starting a family is no longer the beginning of a journey, but rather an option to consider if—and only if—certain conditions are met. The idea of finding a job, getting promoted, and advancing one’s career to eventually retire within the same organization is becoming increasingly distant… both parties—people and organizations—view the other as replaceable should a better offer come along. On the other hand, it has become a common phenomenon to definitively give up on “the home of one’s own,” once the dream of every person, since the hyper-development of real estate companies and financial obstacles make it practically impossible. In short, all of this makes it far from easy to plan for the long term, especially considering the geopolitical conditions, which cause the rules of the game to change radically and constantly.

This lack of stability is what, according to several studies, leads many people to postpone or definitively rule out having children. It is no longer just about money, or having a roof over one’s head; it goes much deeper.

Time.

For those of us in the middle of our lives, it is a fact that daily life has been reshaped. We’ve moved from analog to digital, from cassettes to terabytes, and so on, and in the same way, daily life is lived at a fast pace, and digitalization and social media have created new needs that require more resources… so it is increasingly necessary that, in the vast majority of households, both adults have to work, which opens the door to many new opportunities but cuts into the time we have to “spend” with our families.

Not only in quantity, but also in quality… this constant need to produce is sapping our energy.

More and more people are choosing not to be in a relationship due to a lack of time or a refusal to give up their personal space and “waste” energy on others.

This is where the work-family conflict comes into view: when work absorbs a large portion of our mental and emotional resources, the idea of parenthood and child-rearing begins to feel incompatible. Desire gives way to practicality. “How would we do it?” “Could we do it?” instead of: “Do we want to be parents?”

Parenting.

Caring for children has historically been an activity demanding time, energy, and resources of all kinds. Becoming a mother or father takes a toll on each person, and also on the couple’s relationship. But that has also been evolving.

“In the past” (late 20th century), parenting focused on meeting needs now considered more basic: health, protection, education at home and school, and a certain degree of preparation for the future.

Today, the standard by which this care is approached has changed radically. Having children today not only involves meeting the needs described above, but also ensuring a growing array of emotional, social, and—directly or indirectly—financial needs that are far more demanding. Expectations, both from parents and children, have evolved alongside technology—social media, artificial intelligence—and these developments are clearly outpacing our limited human capacities.

Consequently, parenting is currently perceived as an excessively demanding and exhausting process… in every sense, leading many mothers and fathers to feel inadequate: “bad parents,” resulting in conditions like the formerly nonexistent “parental burnout,” which, ultimately, does not refer—even if that is how it feels—to poor parents, but rather to contexts where demands exceed available resources of all kinds.

Everything at stake

It is abundantly clear that starting a family and deciding to raise children is no longer just a phase, or even a biological or emotional necessity. It is a choice of life path.

It is no longer just about the desire to leave a legacy, to ensure the lineage endures, or to keep the family name alive. Now, factors such as career trajectory, financial security, emotional stability, and personal goals are weighed in the balance.

It’s not about being against this from the get-go… Not at all! It’s part of our evolution as a species and carries enormous weight in terms of how it shapes our needs as a society. Just as there’s a demand for smartphones with cameras boasting more pixels (or filters), physical punishment is no longer accepted as a corrective measure… as always, the issue lies in excess.

Starting a family used to be part of the norm; today there are undoubtedly multiple paths, which is of course closely linked to greater freedom, but at the same time also seems to create uncertainty: without a clear “script,” decisions are made based on one’s own experience and reflection, which can lead us to feel more vulnerable in the face of doubt.

Even considering these changes and the current social construct, we cannot categorically declare that we are facing a loss of the desire to start a family; what we are experiencing is a paradigm shift. In our society, the focus on what we consider a responsible decision has increased. Thresholds have shifted as material, labor, and cultural conditions have changed, and more and more people are planning their lives with careful deliberation, adopting an almost business-like approach. In this sense, challenges that involve significant sacrifice, investment, and strain tend to be put on “standby”: starting a family remains a goal, but certain conditions must be met for it to become a reality.

Considerations

Starting a family… an aspect of our lives that, not so long ago, was considered a fundamental, necessary, and natural part of life, is now seen as a project to be studied, researched, and ultimately analyzed to determine whether or not to proceed, taking into account its potential consequences for our life’s development and also the situation we would face—not only ourselves but also the members of our potential family.

We invite you to open the conversation and share your beliefs, experiences, and insights on the subject.